Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I think I sprained my soul last night
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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