I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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