Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
