i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
