i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
