the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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