Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
