I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
