I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
