Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
