this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
