i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
