He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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