I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Randomize