I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
