Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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