Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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