I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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