just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
