My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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