I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Randomize
