and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
