My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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