are you so shy because you have an std?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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