There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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