What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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