shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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