Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
