First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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