after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
