Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
