If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
