you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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