as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
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