if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The beer is more important than you right now.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
