Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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