Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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