hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
