oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
