i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
