so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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