She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize