I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
