I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
