someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
