her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
