yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
