And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize