She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We are all done wearing pants today
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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