god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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