i love accidental penises.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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