just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
