I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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