i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
