If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
