I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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