it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
