What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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