Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
