He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
