you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
