Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
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