Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
