for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
