i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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