I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
