I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
